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The Test

Written April 18th, two days after I found out I was pregnant.

I spent this morning looking around on the internet at information on pregnancy. Can I continue to take Zyrtec, the wonder-drug that I start to twitch without? Is the feeling that there’s a small knot in my lower abdomen normal? Is it related to pregnancy or is there something else going on? When will I start to feel sick? How big is a baby when it’s only 2 weeks old? And I find myself tearing up, overwhelmed by emotion. Is it possible that it’s really my turn? Has this really happened?

I took a third pregnancy test yesterday morning. The first one I’d taken this month – I should invest money in pregnancy test companies – was one of those plus/minus ones. My sister warned me not to mess with those, to get the kind that say pregnant/not pregnant because the plus/minus ones always have some kind of issue. But I’d already bought a 3-pack of plus/minus, and really how hard can they be to read? So I stuck with what I had. This was the last test in the pack and it immediately came up negative. I sat there for a few minutes, allowing the disappointing news to sink in, accepting it, and trying to swallow down my fear that it would never happen. Then I looked back at the test one more time. While I was looking at it, the faintest blue line imaginable slowly began to appear, making the test look slightly like a plus sign.

I began to tremble and my hands and feet went numb. I stared and stared at it, trying to decide if that was really a positive or not. Depending on what angle you looked at it, you couldn’t even see the second line. I called Rick in from the garage to examine it with me. He was very reluctant to call it a positive test, even when I told him the second line appeared later as I was watching it. We agreed that we needed to get one of those pregnant/not pregnant tests to know for sure.

The second test I took was one that leaves no question about the results. Pregnant! Rick and I said a prayer together, thanking God for answering our prayers and asking for a safe pregnancy. I can’t even describe how I felt. I thought I’d be jumping for joy, screaming and crying. Instead, I felt this strange calmness inside.

The third test I took was the next morning, just to be sure, and to see that beautiful word flashing on the screen again. It worked. And alone in the house, staring at that stick, I had my moment. Tears and joy and gratitude and overwhelming emotion… Yes, I will be a mother. I will finally be a mother.

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