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Facing Fears

One year ago today, Rick asked me to marry him. My life is incredibly different now than it was at that time. But one thing has remained constant and steady – our love for each other. It’s grown so much, adding trust and respect and grace into the mix, in the last year.

The night he proposed, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Okay, so maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but that’s how I remember it. At 35 years old, I was terrified to give my heart away again, only to have it stomped on. I didn’t feel like I had the emotional capacity for another break up, another disappointment. Old emotions had come rolling in, uninvited, and I was worried that Rick would realize he had my heart, the challenge was over, and walk away. It had happened too many times before. I also had a lot of fear about the changes that would come into my life if it did work out. Facing those fears and pressing through into God’s peace were a daily challenge.

My heart knew that Rick was different, that he would never leave me; but my emotions were LYING to me. Fear rose in my heart and took my breath away. I was so in love and so afraid to believe in it and let hope rise.

On that precious night when Rick proposed, I felt like I could breathe again. He had wanted to wait two more months, until we’d dated a full year. He sensed my anxiety though and pushed up his time table, taking my heart into consideration in an act of selflessness that seems to define his very being. Rick is methodical, careful, cautious, and precise. He stepped way out of his comfort zone to help me feel more comfortable. He is my knight in shining armor.

I wanted to get married right away, but I saw the look in his eyes. He had proposed before he was quite ready and he needed some time to adjust. He wasn’t hesitating to get married, but his cautious and careful personality needed time to adjust to the new path his life was taking. With a new confidence that he was in my life forever, I relaxed and agreed to wait seven months to get married. Seven months! It seemed like an eternity. But my sweet husband is a slow-adapter and I had to respect his wishes and not allow it to hurt my feelings.

Seven months later we DID get married and it’s now been nearly five months since we promised our lives to one another. As I’ve grown in my understanding of him and learned to appreciate his steady and gentle nature, my love for him has grown as well. He isn’t excitable, doesn’t make fast decisions, and he’s the steady rock I can feel safe and secure on. He encourages me to fly and knowing that he is my safe place to land, I can spread my wings. We are so good for one another, it blows me away.

While we were dating, I wondered at times if my fear was a warning from the Lord or my inability to trust the Lord. Rick was so far from what I had anticipated, from what I’d looked for on my own, that I questioned our relationship from time to time. Was I just so tired of being alone that I’d be willing to move to a farm in the north??? Have I lost my mind or is this what it looks like to trust the Lord? I felt total PEACE with God, our relationship lined up with Scripture and Christian principles, and everyone I knew offered their support and encouragement.

I’m so glad I chose to face my fears and walk this path. Farm life agrees with me. The peace and joy I feel here, the security and safety, and the love I’m experiencing all reinforce the decision. God knew what He was doing. I couldn’t imagine it, but I’m so thankful that I gave Him a chance to bless me.

One year ago today, I said yes to the man I would marry. Praise God for His goodness to me!

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